Restrained Love .. Part30

This post is dedicated to Alaa Alsulaiman THANKYOU FOR THE ENDLESS SUPPORTING<3!!

Me: BAS LAAAISHH!

My dad gave me a death stare ..

Dad: sarah shsalfetech?

I lowered my voice ..

Me: aqsed laish? Shelsebab?

Dad: baba ma yjouz! 7aram

Me: wgefat 3ala hathy?

Dad: laa ya baba mu chethyy enfakker!! Ow3y tgouleenn hal jumla mara thanyaa!

Me: mu qasdy shay bas staghferallah ma7ad kamel

Dad: ebn adam kha6a’ bs hatha shay wathe7 ou mujahara bel ma39eya ba3ad ou ma yentab menna bsehoula tenbeny 3alaih byout ou tenhedem

I sighed and left him alone ..

…

Me: laish ma taslem?

Yousif: 7ayatee! Ana wala mara getlech laish ma t9eren mase7eya! Nafs ma ana me7terem deyantech e7tarmy deyanty!

I was quiet just to avoid losing him ..

Maybe because I tried it? I lost him, and it was hell ..

Mabe a3eed nafs elghal6a ..

I wanna be with him always and forever no matter what!!

Yousif: Sarah ana a7ebech! La tkhalen deyanat tfaregna

Me: yousif etha enta t7ebny? Ana 3aysha eb 7ubek! Enta awal wakher 7ub b7ayatee

I felt his smile ..

Yousif: my vocabulary mafeh kalemat twayeh nafs yours bs im flattered

Me: a7ebek a7ebek a7ebek a7ebek a7ebek a7ebek ahhh kalb!!

He blew a kiss during the phone ..

Yousif: ana akthaaaaaaar

I blushed ..

Me: awhhh

Yousif: 3ad tadreen wain t7e6een el kiss?

Me shyly: yousif chubbb

Yousif: sarouni

Me: hmmm

Yousif: 7ayatee

Me: na3aam

Yousif: 3umrrii

Me: haaaaa

Yousif giggled: bacher 3endi muqabala ed3eelly

Me: pray to your Jesus

Yousif: adryy bs ham entay ed3eelly a7es da3watkum mathmouna

Me: lanna our God is real!!

Yousif in a serious tone: shqa9dech??

Me: mu qasdy shay a9lan bedoun ma twa9eeny ra7 ad3y chum yousif 3endi ana?

Yousif: wa7ed ou myanenech

Me giggled: AHHH WALLAH JAAAD 9ERT MAYNOUNAAAA

Yousif: yennaay yennay our love doesn’t need a brain

Me: 9aaaaaaaj

Yousif: 9amouuun falafel

Me: byeeee 3umri bye 7abeebeee

Yousif giggled: ma3eed’ha wallaaahh

…

I was whispering ..

Me: I can show you the world, shining shimmering splendid tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide .. I can open your eyes take you wonder by wonder over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride .. a whole new world ..

Until his kiss interrupted my thoughts ..

Wayhe gam ege6 alwan ..

I blushed but I was mad ..

It was a great feeling but I felt nervous ..

I know he shouldn’t kiss my cheek but I couldn’t stop him ..

He was hyper ..

Yousif: helloooo jasmine

Me shyly: sema3t?

Yousif: I reached your cheeks baby

I giggled: jasmine is fine what about you Aladdin?

Yousif: eb a7saaan 7alaaatyy

Me: a red rose?

Yousif: eee for my baby

Me: emmm

Yousif: they said the red color shows love

Me: you love her?

Yousif: more than anything

Me: ok chan 3a6ait’ha elwarda 3ayal

Yousif: 3a6ait’ha bs ga6at’ha bwayhe fa gelt 7aram dafe3 dinar khal a36eeha a7ad yestefeed menhaa .. will you accept it?

Me: fathlaa?

Yousif: laaa mu fathla look at the bright side lamma takhtheenha bchethy entay t7aftheen 3al bee’a ou tsaween recycling

I giggled: shut up youuusif

He smiled and came closer to me ..

He was sitting on the table directly in front of me ..

Yousif: I love you sarouni

He stretched his hand to give me the flower ..

I closed my eyes and sniffed its odor ..

He gently kissed my cheek ..

I opened my eyes and pushed him away from me ..

Me: yousif ga3ed tbade3 e7na eb mukan 3aaam!

Yousif: sorry bs I couldn’t resist it

Me: el7emdellah ena caribou hal 7azza fathyy

Yousif: atmanna yshaqlouny eb asra3 wagt ou atzawejech ou nakheth ra7atnaa

I froze in my thoughts ..

Netzawaj?

3ugub el loooooong lecture elly 3a6aneyaha obouy thakelyom?

Yousif: sarouni?

Me: hmm

Yousif: shfeech?

Me: mafeeny shay, shloun muqabaltek?

Yousif: I did well ou estanas menny elmudeer

I smiled: hatha el3asham feek

I wasn’t enjoying my time to the fullest with him ..

Every time I remember Allah and Al7esab ou Alakhra I feel guilty ..

Something inside me wants him so badly but in contrast there was something pulling me away from him ..

That conflict between me and myself cannot stop ..

…

Four months later ..

Me: 3alaik ta’kheeer

Yousif: al7een la7ad e7aacheeny 3ad

Me: naaa6e3! A9lan kella met’akher mu yedeeda

Yousif: wallah msekatny elza7ma wella ely beshoufech ma wedda yta’akhar

I smiled: 7abeeebeee, shlouuun eldawam weyaak

Yousif: wallah zaain bas karaaf

Me: elly yabe elda7 ma ygouul a7

Yousif: eee wallah elfatwa weltashree3 mu shwayya

Me: 7addaa!

Yousif: 3uqbal ma etekharejain ou ashoufech metwathfa eb a7san mukan

Me: enshaaallah

I grabbed a small Dior box from my Kelly bag ..

Me: adry mu gadrek bs 3ala gaddy

I gave him the box ..

Yousif: sh7aggaaa

Me: 3ashan tewathaaft

Yousif: ana ely lazem ayeeblech mu entaay

Me giggled: ya maaalek betyeebly kho

Yousif: a7, bs testaahlainn!!

Me: ok fech’haa

Yousif: sh7aga afech’haa?

Me: fech shouuuf ta3jebek ma ta3jebek

Yousif: akeeed bta3jebny wana mghameth a9laan

Me: fech enzaain fech

He opened the box and brought the pen out ..

Yousif: zgertttt

Me: e7lef?

Yousif: wallah sheghel 3adel!! Bs hatha bchaam al7een?

Me: malek sheghel

Yousif: laish tkalfeen 3ala 3umrech yuba!

Me: wallah mafeeha kalaafa 3asal 3ala galbee

Before 1 year I was despising the girls who date and now I’m dating ..

Eldenya dawaara ..

Ana mu rathya 3aly ga3da asawwyyh!!

I’m doing it against my will ..

Every time I meet yousif I feel guilty ..

Every time I meet him I return back home and cry my heart out ..

Every time I meet him I feel pain in my heart ..

Allah gave me all of this time to spend it usefully, to work for my second life but sadly I’m wasting it in that restrained love ..

In a moment I was feeling that I should stop ..

I have to end everything between me and yousif ..

We will never get married and I know it ..

I do everything to please people ..

But I did nothing to please God and he is the only one who used to please me ..

Allah deserves the best but I don’t have the courage to end things up because I WANT Yousif from deep down my heart ..

I didn’t leave yousif but I was praying to god daily to help me leaving him ..

…

Today it is ..

I can do it ..

My heart was yelling “DON’T” ..

But my head yelled louder “I CAN” ..

I wore a simple white dress, tied my hair in a bun to make it easy for him ..

I was not excited at all ..

Because its farewell ..

And I hate goodbyes ..

I used to arrive before him but this time I was late ..

Not because I wasn’t ready from outside but because I wasn’t ready from inside ..

I don’t want this to be but it has to be ..

I went to caribou ..

Headed to our table ..

My eyes started to tear the moment I saw him ..

I went further and further closer to him ..

I smiled: hi

Yousif: halaaa belzainn 3alaich ta’kheeer

My throat was drier than ever I couldn’t say anything ..

Yousif: sarouni?

Ahhh that was killing ..

His tone, his facial reaction everythingggggg!!!!!!

I took a deep breath ..

Me: yousif

Yousif: 3youni amraay!

Please don’t make it hard to me!!!!!!

Yousif: 7ayaatee ta7achaay!!!

I burst into tears ..

Me: waaaaaaay!! Youuusif I loooove youuu I love youuu 7ail wayed wayeddd but

Yousif: but what?

Me crying: but we have to .. to

Yousif: to what ya sarah?

I was breathing so fast and crying that I couldn’t say it ..

He was awaiting my words ..

 I took a deep breath ..

Me: break up

I couldn’t stop crying ..

Yousif: shinu? Sarah entay mestaw3eba ely ga3da tgoulena?

I nodded ..

Yousif: bss laaaishhh!!!! I thought you love me!!!

Me: I ADORE YOU YOUSIF!!

Yousif: 3ayal laaaishh!

Me: ana khayfaaa!!

Yousif: shetkhafeen menna? I will never let you down 9adgeeeny!! I will always stand by your side!!

Me: will you stand by my side youm elqeyama? Lamma allah y7asebny?

He froze in his place ..

Me: will that restrained love took us to eljannaaaa???

He was staring silently ..

Me: ana maddry meta ra7 amout! Yemkin al7een a6la3 menek asawi 7adeth ou amout! 7azat’ha shloun baqabel rabby!

Yousif: you are muslim sarah!

Me: even though! I am not a good muslim!! Allah did a lot for me but I did nothing in contrast

Yousif: good luck in your life